Feels
So when I started this many moons ago, it was a place where I could just share random thoughts with the world. (The one or two of you reading, you are my world😉) Most of it was probably a load of nonsense (can ignore the word probably-it most definitely is nonsense).Anyway- for a long time - life just happened.Days just passing by and I slowly found myself not wanting to share as much anymore. Or so much was happening that there was actually too much to share. I mean not much has changed on the surface- I still have the whole slouching/not sitting straight issues(lol -not lol),still consuming far too much caffiene and still learning the art of not laughing in serious situations.
I can't remember the number of times over the past two years, where I've tried and failed to do this.To write about what really was going on just below the surface of the fluffy light reads. I stuck instead to talk about my travels and stories but to be honest, that was just all feeling slightly 'meh' to me.
My grandmother passed away in December 2016. She passed away at the ripe old age of 90, surrounded by the people that loved her. Just them sentences alone seems so formal, and still somehow unreal. For those of you fortunate enough to know her, will know she was no typical old lady. She was extremely independent, quick-witted and had one of the sharpest minds I know. She was very much active, up until a year before she passed away. (Writing this is so difficult, and I don't think I'll ever be able to do justice to her- so bear with me here) A year leading up to her passing, she unfortunately wasn't as mobile as before, so needed a lot of help. To see someone who has been so strong their entire life unable to do things that they would usually do, and most of the time- better than people half their age- is truly heartbreaking. Even during the times when she was in bed, she still had her sense of humour and was never one for keeping her opinions to herself. We would talk and talk about everything and anything and all the things in between. Endless cups of tea, fig rolls and crackers. We would laugh and argue and fight about me hiding her drugs or insisting she wears her hearing aid and 'yes with the battery inside ma'. She wasn't just a grandmother to me she was my best friend. She was a friend to many- young and old. She had a way of speaking to people at their level- which is a talent that honestly is very rare to find. She may have been from a different generation, but she was someone that people could talk to about anything. She was never judgemental but had a way of guiding and telling you what she thought. I knew it then, that I was lucky to have that kind of relationship with my grandmother and I cherish it now and can see how fortunate I was to have that. I genuinely enjoyed her company-we would sit in the garden,usually drink tea and talk about everything. Very few people can say that they would read excerpts from their favourite book to their grandmothers, or show them videos you find funny and laugh at them together.
I could continue writing forever of the funny stories and moments but there are far too many to put in this post.
When my grandmother became seriously ill and thing really took a turn I remember this almost strange feeling of total calm whilst they told me she may not pull through the night. The proper grown-ups, her children, were too distraught to speak to the doctors. This strong pillar they had for so long- to even discuss it crumbling was too much for them at this point. I remember thinking okay this is actually happening,this is actually HAPPENING. She pulled through for another six weeks. During that time, she had highs and lows and even came back to her house. It was as if time stopped and we were living by the minute.
I had been living in a bubble with the rest of my family, sleeping praying laughing and crying together in the same room. I would leave to go teach and deal with students and parents and dole out homework and tissues, plasters and stern warnings and words of encouragement but just continuing on autopilot. A part of your mind - somewhere at the back-there is that nagging feeling of is she okay.
Our politicians are still trying to act like comedians- making pathetic 'jokes' about Niqabi women and letterboxes, so the world is pretty much the same.
(Minus the flat earth theorists coming out of the woodwork - I mean that is a whole other story)
I can't remember the number of times over the past two years, where I've tried and failed to do this.To write about what really was going on just below the surface of the fluffy light reads. I stuck instead to talk about my travels and stories but to be honest, that was just all feeling slightly 'meh' to me.
My grandmother passed away in December 2016. She passed away at the ripe old age of 90, surrounded by the people that loved her. Just them sentences alone seems so formal, and still somehow unreal. For those of you fortunate enough to know her, will know she was no typical old lady. She was extremely independent, quick-witted and had one of the sharpest minds I know. She was very much active, up until a year before she passed away. (Writing this is so difficult, and I don't think I'll ever be able to do justice to her- so bear with me here) A year leading up to her passing, she unfortunately wasn't as mobile as before, so needed a lot of help. To see someone who has been so strong their entire life unable to do things that they would usually do, and most of the time- better than people half their age- is truly heartbreaking. Even during the times when she was in bed, she still had her sense of humour and was never one for keeping her opinions to herself. We would talk and talk about everything and anything and all the things in between. Endless cups of tea, fig rolls and crackers. We would laugh and argue and fight about me hiding her drugs or insisting she wears her hearing aid and 'yes with the battery inside ma'. She wasn't just a grandmother to me she was my best friend. She was a friend to many- young and old. She had a way of speaking to people at their level- which is a talent that honestly is very rare to find. She may have been from a different generation, but she was someone that people could talk to about anything. She was never judgemental but had a way of guiding and telling you what she thought. I knew it then, that I was lucky to have that kind of relationship with my grandmother and I cherish it now and can see how fortunate I was to have that. I genuinely enjoyed her company-we would sit in the garden,usually drink tea and talk about everything. Very few people can say that they would read excerpts from their favourite book to their grandmothers, or show them videos you find funny and laugh at them together.
I could continue writing forever of the funny stories and moments but there are far too many to put in this post.
When my grandmother became seriously ill and thing really took a turn I remember this almost strange feeling of total calm whilst they told me she may not pull through the night. The proper grown-ups, her children, were too distraught to speak to the doctors. This strong pillar they had for so long- to even discuss it crumbling was too much for them at this point. I remember thinking okay this is actually happening,this is actually HAPPENING. She pulled through for another six weeks. During that time, she had highs and lows and even came back to her house. It was as if time stopped and we were living by the minute.
I had been living in a bubble with the rest of my family, sleeping praying laughing and crying together in the same room. I would leave to go teach and deal with students and parents and dole out homework and tissues, plasters and stern warnings and words of encouragement but just continuing on autopilot. A part of your mind - somewhere at the back-there is that nagging feeling of is she okay.
Around us, Christmas was still happening and festive drinks and lights and carols singers. End of term papers needed to be written and exam papers had to be marked. The last day of madressah,I locked the office and thought to myself,at least tomorrow I can spend the full day with her-but it wasn't meant to be.My grandmother passed away later on that Thursday night.She was buried on the Friday after Jummah. I always think she passed away in a way that she would have wanted. She was still praying, even when speaking was an effort. She was the type of person, that once she was on the Musalla you wouldn't be able to get her off- literally sometimes. So what more could I want for her?!To Allah we belong and to him we return. Truly we all will go back and what more do we want than for our loved ones to go in a beautiful way where Allah is pleased with them.
After my grandmother passed away, everything was just a blur for a while. Being alone for even two minutes (having a bathroom break) would remind me of her and how she was just gone.No longer there.It's so final.
After my grandmother passed away, everything was just a blur for a while. Being alone for even two minutes (having a bathroom break) would remind me of her and how she was just gone.No longer there.It's so final.
The new year started and we had another death in the family- a close member. On the same day, my maktab teacher who we all cared for so much also passed away. It was like when you read a book or watch a programme and it's the chapter or episode where everyone dies.Everyone just seemed to die.
I remember getting very ill- as if my body couldn't cope with all the emotion. I had infection after infection and was feeling really low physically -mentally I was coping but it was all just a bit bleugh.
At the same time life had to carry on.My dad was planning his retirement trip. He wanted to go to South Africa to visit my grandmothers family. She was one of seven sisters and three brothers. All of her sisters are still living, and all the siblings have huge extended families. At the time I was reluctant to book, 2018 seemed so far away, and life had taught me that anything can happen during that time. There were the obvious excuses I used-who would be able to cover for me for nine weeks?! I was running a maktab with my husband and had been there for many years, it wouldn't be easy to just take off for nine weeks. I hadn't really taken off before and it felt wrong to just jet off on a long holiday. Eventually, the hubby just booked the ticket and said go on the holiday and I'll join you for a little while when I can. I remember not feeling excited and having zero desire to go on a holiday and being away from home for so long.(My dad then decided on going to Malawi, where he was born and brought up going to Zimbabwe too, where my mother was born and I remember thinking nope that's it I'm out,but nevertheless the bookings were made)
A few months passed and Ramadhan came and went, during the time in between my brothers' wife gave birth to a baby girl. It was amazing that Allah knew what would be in store for us in the future. Even though nobody could replace my grandmother, we had a new welcome addition to the family. Some people got married, others divorced and life continued, as it does.
A few months passed and Ramadhan came and went, during the time in between my brothers' wife gave birth to a baby girl. It was amazing that Allah knew what would be in store for us in the future. Even though nobody could replace my grandmother, we had a new welcome addition to the family. Some people got married, others divorced and life continued, as it does.
After months of deliberation, the hubby and I ( my husband and I sounds far too royal for me lol)decided we would leave the masjid we had been working at. It wasn't a decision we took lightly, as we had been there for many years. We gave in our notice in Ramadhan and said we would continue
until the end of the year and would leave once they had settled. (We carried on until January of this year) Slowly life seemed to get back to normal, every day I would wake up get dressed and carry on. The pain of losing someone you are close to never goes away but at some point, it does become easier. It is true that you just need to give it time.
Time passed and things seemed to be looking up, I was actually looking forward to having a break from working, having gone straight into teaching from the age of 18 and not stopping since. Dare I say was I feeling a little excited for the holiday now too.
At the end of October last year I got the shocking call that my 23-year-old cousin passed away. My younger cousin passing away really took its toll on me. His passing away is another story in itself, but I don't think I'm ready to share that with the world just yet and I don't know if it is my story to tell. Some of you may have known-for others, it may be news.
Without going into it too much, I was feeling a mess, and this holiday that I had initially been dreading I felt like I really needed. I knew now that I needed a break.It wasn't even a option anymore. Allah works in magnificent ways. I haven't been on that many long trips- short 2/3 weeks- but never this long.This came at the exact time when I needed it the most.
I experienced many things on my trip but if I start on that it would take another year for me to finish writing this. I had what can only be described as an epic journey. I did many things for the first time- jumping off a cliff and free falling over the Zambezi being one of them -but beyond that I met some truly amazing people.Family who for me - before meeting them were like literal strangers -were now friends. life long ones.
One person may go - sometimes two or three -even more- but who knew there is room for new people.Seeing the small (sometimes large) similarities between family members the little gestures/ nuances that are familiar to you but this time from your dad's cousin or his aunty. In a way it's somewhat comforting. Recognising that this is a gift- family and friendship - a huge gift from Allah. Neatly packed and given to us when we need it the most.
Slowly but surely I began to feel more like myself.Will life always be smooth sailing?Probably not.But hand on heart I will always feel so much gratitude to those who helped me- weather they did it knowingly or not. Showing kindness understanding patience.
Without sounding too cliche and getting all soppy all I can say is that life is short. Appreciate others. Don't wait for tomorrow.Feel the highs feel the lows. Cry laugh scream shout- and Pray. Pray when you're happy and pray when you're sad, and never ever lose hope.Just hang in there- You really never know what Allah has in store for you. I pray Allah take us when he is happy with us and reunite us all with our loved ones in the highest heaven- Al firdaus. May he guide us to the straight path and give us strength on this journey that is life.
I can't promise that I will write again soon, but next time if there is one I'll try not to get Totes Emosh on you guys.😆
faatima
xoxo
Love and massive massive hugs. This reminds me to that we dont see each other as often as we should. Xxx
ReplyDeletemassive hug back xxx
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